Will I make it to 90?
Some times you just have to ask yourself............Will I live to be
90?
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 90?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied, "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing in the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me and asked,
"Then why do you give a shit?"
Donald Braden
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More from late night
May 16, 2007 "Last night, Fox News aired the second Republican presidential debate. My favorite part was when the white guy went after those two white guys, and three other white guys chimed in." --Conan O'Brien
"During last night's Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president" --Conan O'Brien
"The Reverend Jerry Falwell passed away yesterday. He was the founder of the Moral Majority. He's very influential in politics. Many people didn't like him at all, but a lot of people did like him. I think the words of this young man who goes to the college he founded, Liberty University, teaches us something. ... [on screen: Liberty student saying, 'Dr. Falwell would come up to you and punch you. He was just that kind of person']. He was a wonderfully, wonderfully violent man. Somewhere up there, I have to believe he's beating the crap out of St. Peter." --Jimmy Kimmel
From Late Night TV
"Hamas has started a new children's show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. Farfur replaces the network's previous children's show, Dora the Exploder." --Seth Meyers
"During last week's Republican debate, three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who added that he would defend his conviction from one edge of the Earth to the other." --Seth Myers
"Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney told '60 Minutes' this week that he can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy ... except having only one wife." --Seth Myers
"A 75-year-old retired nurse has become the first black woman to reach the North Pole, in what has to be the worst Katrina relocation story yet" --Seth Myers
American Naval History
A Humorous Historical Factoid!
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators.
However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannonshot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Government Contracts
For those of you that don't know... here's how it works!!!
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..
One from New York, another from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Hillary Bashing Jokes
OK, I could do commentary on these, and maybe I should, but some of them are funny so this one will start here in the humor section. It is amazing how the conservatives keep these things going around for years on end, some of these are pretty dated.
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno
Earliest Known Politician
An archeological team, digging in
Washington DC , has uncovered
10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
of what is believed to be the first
Politician.
Elderly Couple
An elderly couple was attending church services...
about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart - what do you think I should do?"
He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Last Night on Late Night
Leno
From Comedy Central
Things Found Only in America
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
